How to Not Be Offended – A Shift In Trajectory

Raise your hand if you feel you are on the defense side in life. ?‍♀️

How many of you feel like you are on the offense?  ?‍♀️

This isn’t a trick question, it’s meant to stir thought within you.  

In all sports there are two ways to play; you are either playing offensively or defensively, depending on who has the ball/puck at the time. If your team has the ball, you are considered the offense. The purpose of the offense is to attack and keep the opposing side from scoring. The defense’s purpose is to protect themselves from attack.

Now in a baseball game, both of these positions make for a fun event. One attacking with a hit and run the other defending with a great catch and throw. In life, however, we do not live in either a place of defense or a place of offense because our battle was won long ago.  

Now before you start thinking I am some passive Christian with no fight in me, let me develop this a little further. Ephesian 6 does say that we do wrestle in life, but it is never flesh and blood.

People are not the problem.

Let’s begin with the offense. The word offense is not only defined as an attack, it is also defined as annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult.

Have you ever been around someone who no matter what you say you seem to just offend them? ?‍♀️ Ugh, I have and I do not enjoy those visits. I used to have a neighbor with whom I wanted to be friends. I would go outside and try to talk about whatever came up. But, it seemed to never fail, within just a few sentences she would be offended by something I or one of the other neighbors would say. Sometimes she would rebuttal but many times she would just go inside. My heart was to try to befriend her not offend but she kept building up fences of offense.

I heard pastor Michael Todd, once state, “Offense cultivates a fence.”  It builds a wall around the heart of a man or woman that keeps them from the freedom of full sharing, joy, and peace.

“Offense cultivates a fence.”

 

“It is easier to conquer a strong city than to win back a friend whom you’ve offended.  Their walls go up, making it nearly impossible to win them back.”

Proverbs 18:19 TPT

Let me clarify, I do not get to control how you respond to anything I say or do. You do not get to control how I respond to anything you say or do. Each of us is responsible to decide how we choose to respond. But, if I am in the habit of continually getting offended by things, I am building, brick by brick, walls that are very hard to tear down.

Mental Check

How often do you catch yourself being offended?

You may say, “Oh, I hardly ever get offended.”

Okay, let me hit a soft spot for you.

Do you wear a mask?  Do you not wear a mask?

Did you get a vaccine?  Did you not get one?

Here is your opportunity to decide. Are you going to get offended by my opinion? Have you prepared a statement to “defend” your point of view? Will you be angry with me if my perspective does not agree with yours? I’m not a political person nor do I enjoy mainstream news media in any form but I assumed this point would give you an opportunity to look deep inside to see if “offense” does have a place in your heart.

If you found that it resides from this subject, where else may it be?

Recently, we have been assisting a family member with a remodel. The flooring is a fully loaded experience, to say the least. After many twists and turns, balls dropped, and pretty bad communication from all the different contractors involved, we were thinking we were finally at a place of peace. Then we get a phone call with a very irritated man on the other end, “I am at the house to install carpet, no one is here!”

Well, the first instinct could have been to be offended by his tone, the extreme amount of miscommunication, and even his attitude but, instead the response went something like this. “I am so happy you are the one who will be installing the carpet. The date you have is off by one week but I look forward to meeting you there next week.”

This conversation could have gone one of two ways: voice raised and individuals full of frustration and anger or words of kindness spoken with the intent for a peaceful resolution. Needless to say, because we responded with a soft answer and with genuine kindness, the contractor was softened, wrath was turned away and peace reigned.

We get to choose how we “feel” about others’ words or actions. We get to decide how we will respond to them as well.  When we direct our thoughts to think and act through love’s perspective instead of hate, anger, frustration, or offense, we literally turn dark to light. There is a shift in the results.

What does LOVE do?

^“4 Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. ⁵ Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. ⁶ Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong.⁷ Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.”

I Corinthians 13:4-7  TPT

“Love is gentle and consistently kind to all.”

Does it say love agrees with everyone’s point of view? Does it say love forgets all it knows and follows someone elses’ viewpoint instead of its own? Nope, it says love is kind to all. Even with our current culture, we can all have different opinions and still love one another, talk to one another and even hang out together.

Somewhere along the line, our culture has believed that if we do not agree on all points we can not be friends.  Then, how may I ask, can we ever learn from one another? “Oh, well they don’t believe like me so there is absolutely nothing I can learn from them.”

LIE!

Lies are what separate us from freedom because the truth is what sets us free.

Have you ever thought about how the word Serpent and the word Separate are close? Don’t let the “serpent” separate you from others just because you and another have a different perspective. Light ALWAYS dispels darkness, did you know that?

This is Fascinating…

There were two soldiers in Afghanistan on one side of a valley in the hills. Three miles across the valley there were other soldiers on the other hill. When I read his story, the soldier said, “When he lit his cigarette, we could see it three miles away because the light is stronger than darkness even when there is a valley between you and the light.” We don’t have to be afraid that if we talk to someone who has a different opinion than ours that we are going to be engulfed by their view and we will lose who we are.

If you are light, and I believe you are, then just shine. Darkness is not stronger than light. Okay Kalyn, what about the verse that says, “What fellowship does light have with darkness?” Exactly the point, speak with people and just let your light shine. You do not have to get offended if they don’t see things your way, light will prevail. Who knows, they may have some light to shine on your perspective as well.

This brings us to defense. Why do we feel we have to defend our views, our opinions, and even our God? We are not called to be the defense attorney for Jesus. We call ambassadors for Christ. An ambassador is a representative, one who represents. I have a dear loved one who often says to me, “sometimes you can’t tell them, you just have to show them.”

^“Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.”

James 2:18 KJV

It’s okay to just BE that wonderful son or daughter of God that you are when you are with others. One of the greatest ways you show love is by loving yourself. Sometimes love is tough and you have to stand up for yourself. That is not defending yourself, it’s simply speaking the truth in love… a big difference from defending the truth.

The other day my daughter made a comment to me that hurt. That wasn’t her intention but that is how I allowed it to affect me. I could have snapped back at her from the pain, yelled at her to “protect” my feelings, or even hung up on her so I didn’t have to “deal” with it; instead, I said, “Hey can I call you back?” I stepped away from the people I was with, stepped away from the emotion that was whirling within, and went to my Dad in prayer. No one, not even my closest circle gets to decide how I feel. Only I have that power.

I took the words that were spoken and I dumped them in the filter of truth and love. When I did that, the emotion subsided, the anger had no home in me, and peace reigned. I called her back and spoke to her honestly and without high and low emotions, only love. Our conversation was deep and full of healing as the two of us journeyed through misconceptions, misinformation, true thoughts, and real heart. Not one time did I defend my perspective, point of view, or ideas. I simply let her see my views and she shared hers. The two of us came to a sweet point and peace reigned. Remember I Corinthians 13?

^“6 Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong.⁷ Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others.”

I Corinthians 13:6-7

 

If we don’t have to raise our hands to stand on the defense side nor the offense side, then where do we stand? How about the side of love? Just BE that wonderful, God-nature-filled, powerful child of God you were called to be. We don’t live in offense but in grace.  We don’t stand in defense but fearlessly live in love. Offense and Defense both stem from a place of fear and our bible says:

 ^“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:”

I John 4:18 KJV

 

I want to conclude with an old story I have heard. This rendition is adapted to my memory of it.

A daughter came to her mother in despair. She told her, “Life is just too hard. I just can’t do this anymore.” She continued with all of the why’s and how’s of her struggles with people, ideas, and challenges.  Her mother calmly led her to the kitchen. Took out three pots and filled them with water. She placed each on the lit stove. In the first, she added carrots. In the second she placed an egg and in the third, she put ground coffee beans. After each pot had boiled she removed them from the stove and removed each pot’s content. She began to explain that each pot of water had a different item placed within but each item went through the same boiling process. Beginning with the carrots she said, “These went in strong and hard but after a bit, they became weak and mushy. The egg went into the water soft and fragile but when the heat turned up, it became hard on both the outside and the inside. The coffee however is unique. You see it went through the same adversity as the other two but instead of becoming weak or hard, it changed the water instead of the water changing it!.”

This is my point. We too can be like the coffee. We get to change dark to light every time we choose to walk in love. We don’t focus on the challenge, we focus on the strength that is within us that allows whatever is around us to be blessed by our presence, by our love.

So cast out the fear. Shine as lights. Embrace one another in fearless love. Allow that Spirit with you to show you how to simply be His. Stand in unity as we take account for ourselves and allow others to do the same.

Ladies’ Bible Study via Zoom

Want to join the discussion via Zoom? Join us for Ladies’ Bible Study. Click here to sign up and meet other No Ordinary Women. We meet Friday mornings at 9:45 am EST.

Contact us for more info